I couldn’t ever date a younger guy.
Even the guys my age seem to young to me. They still haven’t experienced the world fully, they haven’t worked a nine to 5 job (not like I have either) and they don’t know what it’s like to have to support themselves. I’m saying this about the guys who I currently associate with on a weekly basis, which limits this impression of mine to guys of college age.
After living with my cousin and his family for three months, after hanging out with guys who were easily ten to twelve years older than me, after hooking up with guys five to seven years older than me, I am simply more comfortable with older guys. I feel like I can reveal my innocence, my vulnerability, in their strength and cynicism. They seem more stable, more safe, and less childish.
Why is it that I don’t treasure innocence and vulnerability in a guy? That innocence that can only come with a first love? Is it because I lost that long ago, became so cynical so young, that I resent their innocence? And yet Istill subconsciously desire it.
Two of my favorite songs these days are “Because You’re My Woman” by Lee Seung Gi and “Noona (older sister) is so pretty” by Shinee. They’re both about younger guys liking older girls and just the other day, I thought to myself, if anyone ever sang an Lee Seung Gi song to me, I would simply melt. I would probably fall immediately for that guy. Of course, I was picturing Lee Seung Gi, tall, skinny, adorable and awkward, and an amazing voice.
On Thursday, my church friends and I went out to karaoke. Among the friends was a guy (boy?) who, I had just discovered that day, was actually younger than me. I had been feeling vibes from him for a while, which always made me anticipate meeting him, even though I knew it was just my lust for attention that I was experiencing. Once I knew he was younger though, it kind of killed the vibes.
I sang Lee Seung Gi’s song, because I love that song. And he sang it with me, because he was the only other person who could sing Korean songs. It was alright until he turned and looked at me, singing the line, “Because you’re my woman.”
I laughed it off but now I don’t know what I feel. I’m struggling with a silly crush that threatens to turn dangerously awkward. He’s unsuitable in every way, especially as an unbeliever who is in the journey of seeking God, and most importantly, soon to be an illegal immigrant if he stays in the U.S. past the sixty days after his student visa expires. He smokes and more than likely clubs and drinks as well. Superficially, he’s short, perhaps even two or three inches shorter than me. He is struggling with paying for college and may have to return to Korea to serve his mandatory two years in the military.
Why do I always fall for the ridiculously unsuitable boys/men? I am tired of the Christian answer. I am tired of waiting on God’s will. I am tired of never loving someone suitable, never loving someone who could love me back.
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